Empathy can be hugely supportive. And it takes effort to do it well. As humans we like to understand things. And when people are given diagnoses such as depression or anxiety it can give us a false sense of understanding. We might know something about depression but that doesn’t mean we know that individual’s experience. Depression is actually a word to describe a whole cluster of different symptoms. And someone’s experience of depression might differ depending on which specific symptoms they have and to what extent, as well as their personality and life experiences. As a parent you might feel you know your teen pretty well. And you do; as their parent. What you don’t know is what its like to be them, growing from child to adult, moving towards independence, with mental health challenges thrown in.

So be curious about their experience. If you don’t understand their struggle with mental health, ask them to help you understand. See them as the expert of their own life. See it through their eyes.

When you empathise with your teen you are communicating with them that you accept they are struggling, you respect their experience and that they are not alone.

You can still be a parent

One of the worries parents can often have is that if they set boundaries as a parent as they were previously, that they will make things worse for their teen, who is struggling already with their mood. Gentleness and kindness are not to be underrated. But boundaries are also important. As long as boundaries are fair and consistent, they can be helpful. Setting clear boundaries communicates to your teen that you are in the parent role, and that you care about their wellbeing.

Examples of clear boundaries that can promote good mental health include limits around bedtimes and practices to promote sleep, digital media use and keeping mealtimes.

Some teens who struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts may need parents to help with reducing access to sharps and harmful materials. This will be an agreed strategy as part of a treatment plan. If your child does struggle with self harm or suicidal thoughts and they have not yet been seen by a mental health professional, is is important to get them help. You can find more information on who to contact here.

Communication: delete the history

Teens are dealing with the hormonal and physical changes of adolescence, navigating the social transition towards adulthood as well as managing their own mental health. Its not surprising that sometimes communication can be emotional, sharp or apathetic.

When communication is difficult within families we each bring our own history. We remember past conversations that may have been difficult, words that have hurt, habits that are infuriating, the time that difficulties have persisted. These memories come with feelings: hurt, anger, frustration. And they act like fuel to a fire. Conversations can quickly become arguments. Emotions can flare and the communication breaks down.

So delete your history. In the moment, forget it, because its not going to help. Instead identify what you want to say about now, in this moment. How are you feeling now? What do you want to be different now? Aim for communication that is calm and clear, even if its not met with the same.